Making a difference in a fallin' world

Ever wondered about taking in someone else's children into your home and if you could help? I was the 'natural' child of a home that took in foster children. Perhaps if I share my experience with you it might help you decide if it is for you or not.

     Have you ever heard of foster kids or the foster care system? All too often if you have it was from a News report of something happening or a TV show reference indicating a troubled child or past. Like anything else there is good and bad in everything.

     I want to share some experiences as a ‘natural’ child of home that took in foster children. These things impacted my life and the lives of many children.

    Seeing 22 foster kids go through my childhood home I have a pretty good idea of what life can be like. Like all things there is good and bad in everything and how we deal with it is key.  As the youngest natural child and second youngest of all 27, I found myself watching and learning more from what was happening around me, even than I realized until I was older.  

     Many of the things that I learned kept me from making worse choices than I did, showed me, Mom and Dad usually knew what they were talking about and if I just listened to them things went better. Not that knowing all this kept me from making poor decisions; I still had plenty that I had to learn by making my mistakes. There are many things that happened back then that stick with me now and help me to see things differently.

     Every person has their own filter that they see things through. What you have been taught at home, in school, on the streets, from one another, through media, TV, radio, songs, and the experiences you have had all impact our judgment and actions or reactions.

     One of several instances that stands out so strongly and has encouraged me to try to help others was when one of the foster girls came back home for a visit 11 years later having lived with us for only a short time.

     She came to us a young 16 year old girl. I don’t know exactly why she couldn't be at home other than the fact that she was not getting to school. I know all too well that when she came to live with us she was bossy and angry. As the youngest I got to feel that anger. I was about 10 or 11 years old. She jumped into the bossy part of a ‘big sister’ real quick. I don’t think Mom and Dad had any idea how she acted to me she was pretty good at hiding it. Usually they were not in the room when something happened.

     If there was one thing I didn't think I could dare do, it was to be a tattle tail and tell Mom and Dad. Back then it wasn't recognized as bulling, it was the way life was. Today, with my kids, we see it as accountability with limits on the pettiness of the ‘crime’. But this was a foreign concept when I was a child. I learned to watch for things based on what my life was like.

     This young woman, we’ll call Joan, had a lot of anger stored up. In the 6 months she lived with us I remember only one nice thing she did for me or to me.  We were working on our daily chores and this particular day it was our turn to wash dishes. 

     When there are 9 kids in the house and 2 adults, dishes are done after every meal and it was a big job. Often done by two. Mom always taught us to wash the dishes in the water so the water would move the dirt from the dish, not above the water. I was washing and she was rinsing. When I would not keep my hands in the water as I washed she pushed my hands down into the water stating, “Wash in the water!” I jerked my hands back up and said, “The waters too hot!” Much to my surprise she asked, “Why didn't you tell me?” and she cooled the water down. This was such a difference from what I expected. The usual “So!” didn't come. This was a significant act of kindness based on her treatment of me.

     You can imagine my surprise when this once anger young woman stopped in for a visit was 11 years after she had gone back home. After all, why would someone who hated being there want to come back and visit?

     By this time I had moved out and had my own place. I happened to be home visiting Mom and Dad that day. As Mom, Dad and I sat at the kitchen table talking, we noticed an unfamiliar car drive in.  It came around to the back of the house as most people do if they know us and have been to the house.

     We went to the back door to see who it could be. As we looked, we realized it was Joan. Shocked I said, “Its Joan! Wonder what brings her back?” “What!” Mom and Dad said, “Really?” They were just as surprised as I was. Was it possible? Why would she come back? She always seemed so unhappy.  We hadn't heard from her in years. None of us could begin to know what she might want. We opened the door,  gave her a warm and surprised greeting “Hi! How are you?” She replied she was good, now, and introduced her little brother. Who was far from little any more. He was now six foot tall, what seemed to be a nice young man.

     He was about 2 years old when she left. The smile on her face was so good to see. We visited just a moment before she asked if she could see her old room. We explained that it was not the same as when she lived here. Since she left it had become the boys’ room with model airplanes hanging from the ceiling, that were still there, even though all the kids were long gone now. She didn’t care, she just wanted to see the room.  

     Up the stairs we went. Sure enough the 2 sets of bunk beds, a few dressers and the airplanes hanging from the ceiling, filled the room. As she looked around, tears began to roll down her cheeks. We weren't sure what to say. Not knowing what she was thinking we just stood in silence for a while. Finally, we asked, “Are you okay?” She looked at us, smiled slightly through the tears and replied, “You don’t know what being here with you has done for me.” She told us how she had really messed up her life. She had gotten wrapped up in drugs, and alcohol ended up divorcing her husband and was really struggling until she remembered what she had learned while living with us. Because of that time, the love shown her the life lessons shared with her, she was turning her life around. She had gotten help with her addictions and was soon to re-marry her husband.

     We were all so happy for her. We hugged and cried and told her how glad we were for her and that we were had been there for her. As we reminisced about those short 6 months, laughing about the antics of the boys and the work we use to do, we knew that even if those days weren't perfect they were very important and we would not have changed them for the world.  

     It was amazing to us that we had helped so much. We didn't think we had made any difference in her life. We often would talk about the kids that had gone through the house and how they were doing today because of things they had learned with us, but Joan was one that we didn't think we had helped. It just shows that we really don’t know the full impact that our dedication to helping others can do.

     We didn't have a perfect home. It had good times and hard times but we stuck together. Sure being with us didn't keep her from making bad choices but it did help her find her way to the right path. All because of the love and training she got. Perhaps because it wasn't perfect and we still stuck together maybe that was what made the difference? The difference that caused her to want to turn her life around, to know that there was a better way to live. 

     To know that our family had impacted Joan’s life that much was amazing. We stood and let the tears of joy roll down our faces for a while as we hugged each other.  We began to understand that even if you have only a short time with someone, you might be what helps them later in life to do the right thing.

Things will happen to us that we do not like. We can choose to either become bitter or better  because of them. Anger festers into hurting others.
....More stories to come, keep watching and let me know what you think.